1. Tell them you are so glad they called because now you have someone to share your sorrow at the death of Creepy, your beloved pet tarantula, which you will then begin to detail.

2. Use them to let off steam about whichever political party has recently upset you.

3. Share your ancestry—how proud you are of your something great grandfather who served as a cook in the Franco-Prussian War of 1870-71.

4. Tell them about your recently discovered interest in lobotomy. (Don’t know what that is? Make something up.)

5. Ask them if they have ever talked to a being from outer space like you recently did. Begin sharing your experience.